I’m going to fucking rip a bitch in half,
Until I finally find my path,
I’ll be the monster that we need,
And make the rest of the world fucking bleed
When did I become so lazy? When I started worrying more about the group than my mental house. Then again when do I really have time. I’ve never been the world’s greatest student, but all these classes are enough to even make Wallace frazzled. Then again if Wallace would get his nose out of a book once in a while he’d be a lot better off. I think we all needed time away from this place. I’m just worried about the cost. It is so easy to forget that there is an outside world when we are away in this school. Even the usual peer groups are screwy. Five seconds into that dance I knew it was a bad idea. Not because of what happened after, but because of the system shock. I know the look. Jennifer had that look when she came back from that young leader’s conference. I never really cared for the preppy bitch, but she is my sister, and no one deserves that level of shock. I didn’t get it back then. I was only ten how could I? Jennifer went away full of life and joy about being chosen to be among the elite for a weekend of team building. She was home in two days. Instead of building teams, all of the activities really just showed how much everyone was out for themselves in that world. Jennifer was always the one looking after the rest of us and telling us what to do for our own good. After that weekend she locked herself in her room and refused to come out until we had to go back to school. I don’t know what happened to her but whatever it was it killed something in her. I worry that this little dance will do the same to us.
I should have just stayed home. I shudder to think what would have happened if I had. But what business did I have there. If even one of those kids knew what I was they would have run screaming into the night. The look on the Aussie kids face when he saw me change proves to me that there is no way any of those fucking brats is going to accept me for who I am. He was one of us and he acted like we are monsters! Some of use are monsters! But we are mutants first! If I hadn’t made a promise not to hurt my family or my kind I would probably have ripped his little head off.
I just have to keep calm and get these thoughts down. I can apologize for the hole in the wall later. Why do they treat us like people. We look like it but we aren’t. For all my lofty talk of Nietzschian ideals, I know I am a monster. I let them treat me like I’m normal – or close to it – because it makes them feel better. Hell, it make me feel better. But I’m not, and Victor isn’t, and Bruce isn’t. We are just monster and animals pretending to be people. I’ve come to accept this. I’m coming to accept it. Bruce seems to want to act like it something else inside us that drives us. It is isn’t. Well, it isn’t for me. It is just me. When I’m angry or upset I’m not thinking about the fact that I am a monster. I’m thinking about what I can do to those who cross me and my family. The thoughts and urges are the same that everyone has, but I could do them. The only thing that stops most people from doing them is that someone can stop them or punish them. Who would punish me? Who could? The only reason I even vaguely fit in is because I had thirteen years of normal human interaction before I became who and what I am. Victor never had that. And what Sammy did to him was cruel.
I wish she could see that. She won’t. She is too kind. Talking to Victor one on one at his level is one thing. Giving him a damned mix tape is like shoving his nose in the fact that he is an uneducated animal. It makes him confront who and what he is in the most cruel way known to man. It shows him that he is other. And then the little stunt at the dance. I respect the hell out of Sammy for being there for our fucked up little family. I respect the hell out of her for what she did for Arni. I can’t forgive the mess she made with Victor. On the one hand I know you don’t want to be shackled to a guy who doesn’t want to dance or do anything fun or catch some alone time. Fucking Reme. But if you are going to go with a guy to a dance you are going to have to accept the fact that he is going to be awkward about it. Sammy knows this shit better than I do. And then to go and talk with the one of the big football players. Hello? Alpha male. That is a fucking challenge to Victor right there. And he showed a massive amount of restraint in not ripping the guy’s face off. I would have in his place. And I know why she did it. She did it for Arni, but Christ on a bike Sammy think about how easily a guy’s ego can be bruised before you go and chat up another dude.
On the other hand, what the fuck is Victory’s problem? The guy is a fucking normal. He can’t even measure up to Victor. He is just a normal human. Why would a man like Victor be threatened by that? He could crush them all and not even break a sweat. I’ve watched the guy drag dear back into the mansion in the middle of the night. Think about what he could do with a fucking football is he wasted his time on such things. So I’m more than a little hacked off at Victor. Sammy poked the damn bear, but I mean have a little pride. Keep it under control.
But I guess I am just as much to blame as anything else. I could have stopped that fucking car. All I had to do was except who and what I am, but instead I just tried to pretend to be what I’m not. While charging at a guy who chucked a fucking car at me. But that doesn’t make what the Aussie kid did right. We don’t attack or fucking own! I’m going to have to kick the shit out of Vitcor over this. I should have fucking known. I should have known when a kid is from Australia in the middle of fucking nowhere. He had to be like us. Something special drawing him into our little world. And then he fucking burns Victor. Lidya does her usual lets jump in the fire bullshit. You are a fucking ice queen. Stop jumping in fire! We it not for Wallace, blessed Wallace, who knows how badly she would have been hurt. Where is he learning his control?
More than anything else, who the fuck is this friend of Xavier? One more thing that he is hiding from us. That needs to be addressed and soon. Make a fucking list.
- Put Victor in his place.
- Confront Xavier over these other mutants.
- Have a long talk with Uncle Bruce about dealing with all this anger.