October 14th, 2013
Listening to: Kelly Clarkston, “Breakaway”
I told the Professor I wasn’t going to be a soldier. A couple weeks ago I had that conversation with him when Sam got upset about a shooting. Everyone here is so eager to prove themselves. I’d say it’s some macho thing, but I can’t say Macho and Arni in the same sentence. In her case I’m guessing it has to do with genuinely wanting to help. I don’t know, maybe I’m reading people wrong.
The Professor walked in, asking if anyo9ne was serious about wanting to help. A bunch of people stepped up. As the Professor starting explaining about some ship in the Mediterranean, I zoned out. I had already made up my mind. I took a stand two weeks ago. Special forces, soldiers, the hell with that! I headed upstairs to grab my stuff for class when Lydia followed me to our room.
I don’t know what people want from me. Lydia claims she just wanted answers. I could tell there was judgment there, though. I do these things, but I don’t have any control over this stuff. I think and words come out. What’s my power? I feel like a wild tempest of energy. Coming here to get control was a good idea. When Professor X is allowing us to test it without fear, I feel I made the right decision coming here.
I think back on all of these books of powerful women I’ve read. On constant that runs through them is that they’re not afraid. There’s a difference between taking a risk on a business and putting your friends lives in your hands. Also none of them were making these decisions when they were 13 (all fair points, Sammy!)
Lydia’s point was, in essence, that your friends were going to do this. If you’re not there, would you have been able to do something? How bad would you feel? I’d feel terrible.
I gave in. How superior would I feel taking a stand on the bodies of my friends. Professor Xavier shouldn’t be putting us in this spot. Can I get mad at Lydia and Sam and Wallace for wanting to help people, even if it’s a bit naive? No, though peer pressure is crummy. Can I blame our 30 something year old guardian figure for putting that in our faces and saying, “It’s your choice?” Fuck Yes I can.
Maybe Lydia’s not judging me. Perhaps she is only holding up a mirror so I can judge myself. Do I like what I see. Apparently not, as I relented.
Aria stunned me. She asked me to help her with her hair when we were done. I stammered an affirmative. I thought she hated me. Yes, she’s still a bit scary. To be fair to her, she’s done nothing to me for me to be scarred of her for. I texted with her a few times. This one, I think, I might have misjudged on the first impression. (But we’re never wrong, are we Samantha dear? :p )
The “mission” to the Mediterranean was no joke. Lives were being lost right in front of me. I saw Lydia almost die when the door just opened. I’m guessing I’m in shock or I wouldn’t leave my room. Ms. Hunter was shell shocked. Not exactly what she signed up for. I tried to help Wallace, but I didn’t do enough, apparently. It was Aria and Wallace who put out the fire. The rest of us did help with rescuing people.
I remember one boy who looked my age. I was flying towards him as he went under the water. I grasped his outstretched hand and pulled him in the air.
Now that moment? Better than Nationals or anything else I had ever accomplished. Here was one boy who had a chance to live a full life, but only because I was there! Maybe that’s how surgeons or firefighters feel like. If I had been stubborn and stood on principal, this boy would have drowned. I can’t help thinking that if I had been better, how many more lives would have been saved?
The last few days I’ve been reading a little about Churchill & FDR. People whose decisions shaped the world. Would it have been easy to stay on our side of the Atlantic? Clearly. Was it the right thing to do? Clearly not.
Three years ago I was still playing with Barbies and watching Nickelodeon. No I have people’s lives in my hands. I’m sure it’s not fair. Don’t worry, you’re right Samantha. I just get the feeling I’m also wrong….
Lyrics in my head
I’ll spread my wings and learn how to fly.
I’ll do what it takes til I touch the sky.
And I’ll make a wish,
Take a chance,
Make a change,