Listening to: Just Close your Eyes by Waterproof Blonde
WHY IS EVERYTHING I DO SO GODDAMNED IMPORTANT NOW!!!!! Why is everything life or death? Why do my actions cause people to live in Italy and die in Golden Bridge? I’m just 13! I can’t be realistically asked to never make a mistake again. The stakes are too high! I can’t….
I just wanted to help Victor learn what it was like to be a person, not an animal like it sounds like he’s lived. Everyone seems really good at telling me what they’d do. They talk about pack dominance and stuff I really don’t understand. I try and live my life like I’ve been taught, everyone deserves a chance to be included. We’re all god’s children. Or at least I used to think so.
I’d scream “It’s not fair!” a thousand times if I thought someone would hear me and that it would change anything. Lydia would remind me that life isn’t fair. She’s doing that now as I look at her burned and bruised body. Sure, every action does have consequences. I can’t bear to look at Victor right now but I know he’s burned and angry. I wish he would have just taken it out on me. I at least deserved it for hurting him like I did.
And someone’s dead just because I couldn’t understand the time bomb I was negotiating. I just had to dance with the cute, nice guy. I thought he had left. I…
I’m coming to the conclusion that Xavier was trying to convince me of from the moment I got here. Your dreams of a normal life? Like leaves on a windy autumn day, they dance just out of reach and are gone before you can react. Olympics? Gilliard? Nope. Now my dreams have to factor in “Collateral Damage” and “Exposure” mathematics equations.
Oh, and thanks Logan for standing up and trying to be a leader and then just running away. Maybe he’s the smart one. If you’re not here, you won’t be presented with ‘Xavier options’ where he lets us know how we could help if we want to, but your peers will judge you if you don’t think you’re up to it, or heaven forbid you feel like it isn’t your place.
Things were going well. Victor was somewhat social, dancing with Wallace was fun, meeting Hillary was good and I met a really nice guy. Someone who would ignore stigma to do the right thing. I helped socially reboot Arni!
But tonight will forever be remembered as the day Samantha betrayed Victor’s trust and was a selfish biyatch. And someone else doesn’t get the chance to make any more mistakes again. I already feel like I have to make up for all the lives mom would have saved. What’s another one? It’s someone’s son or daughter, Samantha. One that, just like you was going out to have a good time and then never comes home.
If I think of it as that, I’ll be too paralyzed with fear to leave this mansion. If I think of it like a ledger, I’m dehumanizing the people impacted. So my options are scared to death, or an emotionless robot? The plane is landing now. Professor Xavier is going to read me the riot act. I’m not too worried though. How much worse can I feel about myself?
As I get ready to step off the plane, I feel like I’m at a crossroads. Ready or not, I have to grow up. I may never like what I see in the mirror again, but I have to get to a place where I can sleep without guilt. I don’t know how I get there from where I’m standing.
Lyrics in my head:
Deceived by my eyes,
and all I was told I should see.
Opinions not mine,
the person they taught me to be.
One night in the dark,
a vision of someone I knew.
And in the darkness I saw,
someone say I’m you.