I am a danger to everyone I am around or care about. I almost feel like I should leave this school, as I’m only putting it in danger. But that wouldn’t be the right thing. I have to prepare to defend myself, I have to be ready for whatever this cruel world is going to throw.
I knew I was genetically altered. I knew maybe there was a darker secret out there. I just had no idea.
I could fake it, and write about valentines or birthdays or Piotr. Those things seemed to matter, but they just don’t anymore.
Wallace is dead.
He was so brave, and he protected everyone he cared about. He jumped to my defense and that THING just destroyed him. I picture in my mind what I could have done. Should I have surrendered? Should I have pushed Wallace away? This was my fight, this demon is my demon. It’s not Charles Xavier’s or Bruce Banner’s or Shields.
I almost tried to bring him back. Pretty foolish, right? We’ve all seen those movies, they don’t come back the same. I barely know what the hell I am, like a monkey with a gun. I would have done it. I would have grabbed those ley lines and said, “To Hell with the consequences!” Open a portal to heaven or hell and march in there and bring Wallace back. Whatever damnation powers they genetically altered to give me. I wanted so much to throw myself in his arms and let him be my hero. I guess in a way he will always be that. I sit here and put stock in things like clothing and perfume and including people who clearly don’t want to be included. I cling to a mother that clearly was just a uterus and supervisor for Nathaniel Essex.
Fuck them and Fuck me for being so vain and stupid.
I wish I had my right mind when Magneto walked in. I might have joined him then. Killing isn’t the answer, it’s not what I was taught. If I had my powers, I would have killed Essex. Maybe I was taught to be timid and meek to make it easier to USE ME. You want a vapid, timid girl worried about her social place and what boy likes her, makes it easier to brainwash.
I don’t know what I am. Am I person? I think so, but I feel my grip slipping away. I cling to my faith like a life preserver, but there’s only so much it can do when you’re in the perfect storm. It’s fine to have faith and be understanding, but when the devil shows up at your door Samantha, you can’t not be ready again! And you can’t let anyone else fight that fight.
Hell, maybe all this religion stuff is also to make me more susceptible to brainwashing.
Wallace paid off your demon. He would have done it even had I told him not to. That’s just who he was. A sweet boy who had the misfortune of meeting me. Maybe if I wasn’t an experiment and a real person, he’d be alive right now. Maybe if I hadn’t of given him the idea that I liked him, he would have stayed out of the way.
I did like him. I’ve thought of nothing else the last couple of days. Him rolling his eyes but secretly liking to sing Karaoke with me. Me shaking my head at his little nerdgasms about this or that. The kiss on the cheek I gave him. I created a plaque for him that I put in the hallway.
Born: February 11th, 2000
Died: February 15th, 2014
“A Good Man Does Something”
A good woman does something too, Wallace. Watch over me, kay? Not sure I can do it on my own….
I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry..